Everyone should be aware that lockdown is having a devastating impact on people suffering domestic abuse and coercive control. Reported abuse incidents have increased dramatically and the domestic homicide rates have soared since lockdown. I am fearful for victims who feel trapped because of the lockdown and social distancing rules.
Lockdown is an abuser’s idea of heaven and a victim’s living hell especially for those living under coercive control. Victims become totally isolated, there’s no let up by being able to get out to work and having a normal routine, no private conversations with people in the outside world because the abuser insists on listening to conversations and then criticises what you have or haven’t said to the person at the other end. In the end it’s easier just not to talk to anyone because the fall out is too huge. If you text people instead, you’re criticised for being on the phone because attention is not fully on them. They check your phone and messages. Nothing is private. They are able to completely control and grind down the victim’s resolve to the point the victim doesn’t know up from down, reality from illusion or truth from lies.
Nothing the victim says or does is good enough. Victims spend their whole time on constant red alert and firefighting to prevent a blow up from their abuser. This has a massive impact on mental and physical health due to the amounts of adrenaline and cortisol that are constantly running through the victim’s body. Abusers manipulate the victim through their children or threaten to hurt the children if the victim doesn’t comply with what they’re told. They threaten to tell the victim’s boss that the victim is unfit to do their job or to tell them what an evil dreadful person you are. They ridicule and mock the victim if the victim dares to call them out on their behaviour.
If you’re unwell you will not be able to mention anything about it and will be told to stop going on. If you’re in pain you’ll be screamed at for crying because you can’t sleep at 2am and will be told you’re being totally selfish for keeping them awake, when they should be sleeping. So not only are you in pain and exhausted you’re also blamed and shamed for it. Then there’s the flip side that at other times you aren’t allowed to sleep at night because your abuser shines a torch in your face and shakes you as soon as you close your eyes. If you need something from upstairs you’ll be forced to get it yourself despite being on crutches because it’s not their job to do it.
If you express concern for your family or friends’ health you will be told to shut up and get over it because everyone gets sick and people die all the time. So you’re made to feel shame for caring about others and you feel more hopeless and helpless because you can’t help the people you love and care about and you also can’t offload your fears to someone who can listen, support and empathise with you. The TV will be controlled entirely by the abuser. If you dare to change the channel it will set off hours of criticism and rage. You should all know that there’s a certain way of changing the TV channels. There’s also a certain order for washing up items and getting dinner. Tomatoes should be added after the chilli powder not the other way round.
Throw in the regular physical violence and threats to harm the victim into the equation as well and life becomes intolerable. This was my reality and hell of life with my abuser when I dislocated my ankle and was in plaster, as well as after ankle surgery. I’m not sharing this for sympathy but to share the reality of what life could be like now for people experiencing coercive control. My experience and the tactics used against me are common. When domestic abuse victims are at their most vulnerable, mentally, emotionally and physically, abusers tend to attack, like sharks smelling blood in water. I used to dread the times when I’d had a bad day at work or my family were unwell, because I knew my abuser would crank things up and make the day even worse.
Being brutally honest there were moments during these periods that I thought I’d be better off dead rather than having to endure another day in that living nightmare. Luckily for me, a few months after my ankle surgery I got the strength and courage to leave and got my life back.
Be aware that you have friends, family and colleagues who are living this hell right now because lockdown has intensified everything. If you suspect or know this is happening to someone you know reach out regularly to check on them. Text them ask if they’re ok. Chat to them. Tell them something stupid you did that day that will make them laugh. Send silly memes or photos. Keep the lines of communication open so that when they’re ready they know they’ve got someone who can help. People on the outside are the ones that keep your head above the water and drip feed positivity, reality and truth into your life.
If you are struggling with domestic abuse and coercion do not suffer alone. Reach out to people to help. The police predicted the rise in incidents. They know abuse would be worse during lockdown and are prepared. They are there to help you. Abusers can be removed from the home. Text or message someone. Use the shopping trip to alert people. If in danger dial 999 and press 55 if it isn’t safe to talk. Do not suffer this alone.
If you hear something from a neighbour’s flat or house that sounds volatile dial 999. Don’t think it’s not your business and you don’t want to interfere. Your call could be the difference between there being an assault and a homicide.
Download the free Brightsky app where you can get advice and details of all abuse support services in your local area. You can also use the app to record incidents via text, photos or video, which are saved off the phone. You provide an email address (set up a new secret one specifically for this) and when you save an incident it is sent to the email address as a permanent record.
Our thanks go to DCI Ben Wright of Herts Police DAISU and the anonymous survivor for allowing us to reproduce her story.