The run up to Valentine’s Day is hard to miss. The world becomes full of hearts, flowers and chocolates, but no number of flowers or chocolates can make up for Domestic Abuse.
Domestic abuse takes many forms – some aren’t always obvious, but all are equally harmful. One example is coercive control, which has been a criminal offence since 2015. Here, the perpetrator gains control and power over another person by eroding their independence and self-esteem and micro-managing their everyday behaviour, often using assault, threats and humiliation. But it can be subtler and doesn’t necessarily involve physical abuse.
It is easy to think that certain ongoing behaviours are ‘normal’ and not question them, perhaps mistaking them for a partner’s devotion, particularly if a relationship also includes happy periods. If you’re in a coercive and controlling relationship, you might hear:
“If you love me …
… you’ll stay away from those friends that are a bad influence.
… you won’t wear those clothes, people might get the wrong idea.
… you’ll be there, every time I need you.
… you’ll let me read your texts, you’ve nothing to hide, right?”
Someone who loves you wouldn’t say these things. This type of ‘love’ might give you a gut feeling that something is not quite right – that it’s not love at all. Other signs to look out for include behaviour that isolates an individual from sources of support, monitoring time and movement, financial control and restricting access to means of communication (for example a mobile phone). Such behaviour is used to harm, punish and frighten.
Valentine’s Day can remind survivors of good times they have had with an abuser, making them feel lonely, which may in turn tempt them to go back to that abusive relationship. Or it can leave them vulnerable to fall in love again, often repeating the cycle of abuse.
Anyone can experience domestic abuse, regardless of gender, sexuality, background or age. No one deserves it. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, don’t suffer in silence, the first step is to talk. Herts Domestic Abuse Helpline provides a confidential listening and signposting service. Call us free on 08 088 088 088 (Mon to Fri 9am to 9pm, Sat and Sun 9am to 4pm) or email Kim@mailpurple.org.
We want to remind everyone this Valentine’s Day that love shouldn’t hurt.